


Black and Blue and Me and You

by Momo1234



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bad Boy Im Jaebum | JB, Depression, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Feelings of isolation, Friendship, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Repressed Memories, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, i dont know what im doing, lots of friendship - Freeform, older jaebum, sad mark tuan, will not be written, younger mark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-05-29 18:13:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15078818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Momo1234/pseuds/Momo1234
Summary: Mark begins cutting himself off from his friends and family.  Jackson won't talk to him, Youngjae has moved on, and BamBam and Yugyeom  pretend to act like everything is alright.Luckily Mark meets a leather clad wearing Jaebeom, and just maybe things will turn out okay.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fic, really hope you guys like this. This fic will have mentions/references to past rape so please if you're not comfortable with that that click out of here!!

Pathetic. Fucking pathetic. 

As he watched the sun light stream through his dark blinds, all he could think of was how much better being in the dark would make him feel. The brightness on his skin somehow left a dry taste in his mouth. If only he could just get out of bed to pull his blinds shut. 

He stretched out, not worrying if there would be anybody else in the full bed with him. That had not happened for a very long time. 

Alone in his bed. That was the best place for Mark to be. Shakespeare could have written a fucking 300 page romantic tragedy about Mark and his bed. 

He pulled his covers up over his head and sighed. What day was it? How long has he been sleeping? 

He remembered being with his friends a couple days before. As they laughed and tried to include him, he only felt more pushed aside. 

Mark, what was that joke I told you last week? Are you still playing that game or did you end up beating it? You should've come to that party last Friday, totally wicked! 

As he sat there watching his friends, bonding and reminiscing, he thought. There was no joke that Yugyeom told Mark last week because they hadn’t seen each other in about three weeks. BamBam knew Mark stopped playing games because Mark has refused his invitations to go to a gaming cafe for months. And Jackson was blatantly gloating about a party that he hadn't been told about, that he hadn't even know about until he checked Jackson’s snapchat stories that very night he felt, and Jackson knew...he knew. 

This type of thing had been happening more and more frequently. Ever since Jackson had met Jinyoung through his fencing buddies. Ever since BamBam and Yugyeom coupled up. Ever since Youngjae left them. 

Mark wasn't bitter. He couldn't even blame his closest friends for leaving him— for making him feel like this. Because it was all Mark’s fault. 

It was hard, so fucking hard for Mark to just be able to get out of bed. For him to put one foot in front of the other and just go. It was as if he was walking through mud, deep dark sludge that held his legs back from where he actually wanted to go. His legs and body always felt exasperated, even nauseated most of the time. His mind screaming at him to just be better! 

But he couldn't. No matter how hard he tried his mouth always closed up in front of a new person. Or his body started to shake when faced with a dilemma Mark was uncomfortable with. 

It didn't matter how hard Jackson tried to introduce him to his fencing buddies, or his friends from class, or his study partners--Mark just couldn't handle it. 

It was no wonder why Jackson had left him alone. Why Youngjae had left to chase his dreams of singing and moved to Seoul. It was all Mark’s fault. He was the one that tore his perfect world apart. 

As he thought about all of this once he was done hanging out with his friends (hung out? That implies having fun, Mark thought, all you did was watch and listen barley even uttering a work you fucking coward. Why can't you just SPEAK.) he took a handful of melatonin and a swing of NyQuil and passed out before his mind could do any more damage to his heart.

Mark rubbed his eyes and tossed the comforter off of his face. He picked up his phone and saw that he had been in his room for a two whole days. Did he sleep the whole time? Was anyone worried about him? Did Jackson even know he was here? 

This wasn't the first time Mark had lost track of his days. And three days wasn't even the longest time to be gone from Mark's memory. 

He tried to remember the night he hung out with his friends. Why had it been so bad? 

Was it because Mark knew he was an afterthought? Knew from the minute he walked through his and Jackson’s shared suite style dorm that his friends has not texted him letting him know that this hang out session was happening...and in Mark’s apartment? Or was it because Jackson refused to look at Mark unless Mark actually spoke directly to him? Or maybe it was because fucking Jinyoung would not stop staring him down, belittling him with just a raise of his eyebrows? 

He layed in bed. The morning sun shining through his windows made his small bedroom look delicate. With photos scattered all over the walls. Precious memories recorded throughout Mark’s life. Pictures taken of Jackson, Mark, and Youngjae with their arms thrown over each other smiling. Pictures of Mark’s family, to remind him that yes they do still exist even if he has not seen them in years and to pick up the damn phone and just call them. Soon a cloud passed over the sun and darkened the whole room. 

Mark’s thoughts raced. His breathing accelerated and his eyes squeezed shut. 

So fucking stupid, you ruined everything. 

He was suffocating. 

He was crying. 

The air he tried so hard to breathe into his lungs just would not go in. He panted. He had to get out of this fucking room. 

He got up, his legs shaking and blood pumping. He tore down the pictures of himself and Jackson at a lake, swinging into the water from a rope. 

What had happened. How did he go from so eagerly jumping into new things, happily following Jackson, to barley even uttering a word to his best friend? 

This was why Jackson hated him. Why he was so easy to leave. 

He shrugged on a big gray sweatshirt and slammed his bedroom door, walking out into his and Jackson’s shared living space. 

He looked at the clock 6:07 am. There was no way Jackson would be up. Probably still snoring away in his room. Or maybe he didn't even come home, choosing to spend the night in Jinyoung’s apartment like he had done so much these past months. 

Mark walked the couple of steps to Jackson’s room and as quietly as he could turned the doorknob. 

He was correct about Jackson not being up. He could see him sleeping peacefully on his back. The light shining on his face made Mark smile. He looked further into the room and saw Jinyoung also on Jackson’s bed, tucked onto his side and sleeping with Jackson’s white comforter. Ah, of course Jinyoung is a blanket hoarder. 

Mark laughed to himself and shut the door to Jackson’s room softly. 

Feelings flooded through Mark. 

Mark was happy for Jackson and Jinyoung. Especially for Jackson. He had never loved his best friend romantically, only very platonically. But, Jackson had been Mark’s rock. 

As Mark always tried hiding himself it was Jackson whose shoulder he hid behind. The younger knew Mark was just naturally shy and would talk animatedly and try his best to involve Mark in any way he could.

That's just how they worked. Mark shyly trying his best, Jackson doing his best, and Youngjae laughing at Mark and Jackson's very practiced routine. 

But something had happened. Mark had remembered something. 

Something he wasn't able to tell anyone. Too afraid of being looked at differently. Too afraid of remembering more than he already did. Scared that if he deliberately thought about it more memories would come flooding in.

So as Mark remembered he began to get even more reclusive. To curl even more in on himself. To ignore his friends and try to ignore his blistering feelings. 

This began his longest streak of forgotten days. A whole week gone from Mark’s mind as he was faced with memories from his past. Ones that he has repressed. Ones that were never supposed to ever reoccur in his consciousness. 

Mark didn't know what to do. His whole world falling apart at the bitter memories his mind was keen on unlocking. He began to be snide and rude to his loved ones. Locking himself and his feelings away.

He didn't text back Jackson and Youngjae’s private texts asking him what was wrong and to just tell them if he was alright. No, he only ever responded to group texts in order to keep up appearances. And if Jackson or Youngjae tried to talk to him face to face he immediately shut down. Too sad for himself and too angry at himself to even begin to open up to them. 

Jackson was beside himself and began to ignore Mark right back. Youngjae took this time as an opportunity to leave. 

He and Jackson and their mutual friends BamBam and Yugyeom still hung out. But things were different. Jinyoung was now a fixed part of their group and Mark began to feel even more out of place. Everyone else had fun while Mark glued himself to the arm of a couch and zipped his mouth shut. Listening and only talking when he felt like the topic was safe enough for him to join in. 

Mark tried squeezing his eyes shut and counting backwards from ten as he felt his chest tighten. It was his fault. 

He shut his friends out. He tried to hide behind a surly facade in hopes of keeping himself from falling apart as he remembered the sound of his door being opened, the touches, the whispers, the hands dragging down his skin going lower and lower…

Mark was out the door before he could finish the cruel memory. 

He walked down the flights of stairs in his university's upperclassmen housing and began walking to a park not far from his suite style dorm. 

He looked at his phone and thought of calling his mom, his sister, even his grandma. But the bile that raised in his throat made him put his phone right back in his pocket.  
Once he got to the park he took in the spacious array the city had provided for its citizens. There was a playground fit for toddlers and young children that was very colorful. To the left of the bright structure was a small pond area where a flock of geese stood and waded. Mark’s feet took him to the field adjacent to the pond, finding a space in the middle and laying down. 

He brushed his bleached hair out of his face, feeling how greasy and unhealthy it felt. When was the last time he had washed it properly? As Mark layed down on the field he tried to imagine what his life would be like in five or ten years. Would Jackson still be in it? Would Youngjae ever achieve his dreams? Would Mark still be a fucking useless coward? Would Mark even still be here? 

Mark brought his hands to his chest, and tapped his fingers to the beat of the wind. A coping mechanism he had made up himself in order to try and calm himself down. Mark shut his eyes and black hung over him, his finger tapped fast and faster, but the black wasn't going away. What if he walked right into that pond and breathed in the murky water until it filled his lungs? Who would find him? Mark didn't bring his wallet so he doubts they would be able to find out who who was. Mark doesn't even think Jackson would care enough to look for him…

The black was somehow getting darker and darker, riddling throughout his body. iIt soon turned into red. 

A shade of red so deep and Mark knew where he had seen that specific hue of the color before. This shade of red should be abysmal to Mark, there was only a couple times he had seen it in his lifetime. A red he should have an aversion to after seeing it dripping down his lip after a nosebleed, or seeing it on his neck after pricking himself with his razor, or seeing it in on his knees every time he fell off his damn skateboard. A red so deeply crimson that he knows floods through his veins...if only if only...fuck fuck fuck.

 

“Hey, do you mind if i lay next to you. You’re kinda in my Sunday morning wallowing spot,” Mark heard a voice up above him say. 

He looked up and saw a face in the sunlight. He put his hand over his eyes to keep out the glare. Before him stood a guy, probably around his age, with black choppy hair and a mean bruise on his right cheek. He was wearing all black, jeans and leather jacket included. 

The man continued, “I guess I could find somewhere else to lay, I did get here pretty late,” he sat down next to Mark without waiting for a reply to his earlier question and continued, “I usually get here before this group of housewives have their morning run at like 7, but man you beat me to it.” 

He smiled and looked towards Mark, who just stared back at him. He thought the stranger would have a nice smile if it wasn’t for the purplish spot adorning his cheek. 

“Jaebeom” the stranger supplied and offered his hand out to Mark encouragingly. Mark looked at it. 

His hand? This was already the most offbeat encounter he has ever had with a stranger. 

It’s 6:30 in the morning, this guy looks like he got into a fight last night, and is wearing a fucking leather jacket at 6:30 in the goddamn morning. What do I do with his goddamn hand.

Mark’s mind spun, perturbed with the unusual guy before him. But, before he could think of a way out of this awkward situation the man spoke again.

“Man if you don’t want to give me your name that’s fine. It’s just I always come out here to think. Ya know, I come out here right at the asscrack of dawn, get all dressed up, and lay my ass down in this very spot to think. So I just thought maybe you have come out here to think too.” 

Jaebeom had put his hand back into his pockets. Mark looked up at him.

“I’m Mark,” Jaebeom smiled. 

“Mark,” he said slowly as if never hearing of such a name before, “why don’t me and you think together?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jaebeom will be older than Mark (and the rest of the gang) in this fic. Why? bc I wanted it to be that way.

Mark and Jaebeom talked.

 

Well, mostly Jaebeom talked, but it was the most contact Mark had had with a stranger in months.

 

Mark listened as Jaebeom spoke, his voice gravely from the early morning and the cigarette he kept pulling towards his lips.  Holding the smoke in and purposefully blowing it in Mark’s face with a wink.

 

Jaebeom spoke with his hands, often using them to exaggerate his points.

 

“And so I’m sitting at the bar, and this counter I had my arms on was completely covered with sticky shit,” he motioned his hands in circles, “so obviously I’m gonna move my fucking arms so they’re not on that nasty tabletop.”

 

He paused and took a drag of his cigarette, “I have my arms by my side, right man? And this beefhead walks right into me.  He starts makin’ a big fuss. I try not to pay him any mind, but this guy has already ruined my night by starting to fucking poke me in the side with his chubby ass fingers when he realizes I’m ignoring him.” Jaebeom then pokes Mark right in the side.

 

Mark tenses.

 

Jaebeom goes on with his story, “So I tell him sorry and offer to buy him a protein shake for his hurt ego.  The guy gets as red as a damn tomato and then next thing I know is I’m layin on a floor that’s even more disgusting than that damn counter and seein’ stars.”

 

Jaebeom puts out his cigarette and flicks the bud away.  Mark winces. Jaebeom has gone on talking, but Mark has stopped paying attention.

 

Mark cannot stand _litterers_ _._

 

“...so you see I’m really not that tough of a guy, just had a rough night is all.  I’ve never even been in a fight bef―” Jaebeom stops his rambling when he realizes that Mark has put a hand on his chest.

 

“You can’t just smoke, blow it on my face, make me listen to this useless story, and then throw your cigarette butt anywhere! God when you first sat down in front of me I thought you looked sorta like a douche with that leather jacket and all, but after seeing you hurl your trash anywhere you want I know that you are an absolute prick.” Mark huffed out.  

 

His cheeks burned, that had to have been the most he’s spoken at a time in a while.

 

Jaebeom looks at Mark with wide eyes, his mouth slightly open. The longer Jaebeom doesn’t say anything the more Mark thinks about getting up and walking away.

 

Just as Mark thought he would move his legs and stand up, Jaebeom begins laughing.

 

It’s a sound so low and bubbly at the same time that Mark is surprised by the sound.

 

His face flushes and he crosses his arms, “Don’t laugh at me! God you really must be self-entitled. To think you can just throw your junk around like that.” Mark finally begins to stand up.

 

As Jaebeom’s chuckle dies down he looks up at Mark.

 

“Man, you really surprised me. I thought you were just gonna sit-pretty and listen to my story.”

 

Their eyes lock.  Mark’s heart starts beating fast.   _I_ _s this guy gonna punch me? Oh my god, he totally is I should just know by now to keep my mouth shut I’m such a fucki—_

 

Mark’s inner thoughts are interrupted when Jaebeom lifts his hand up to him, “Here help me up and we can go looking for that cigarette butt together if it’s so important to you.” He smiles at Mark.

 

Mark thinks his heart might explode. It’s beating so fast, but he doesn’t hear it in his ears like he usually does when he gets anxious. No, it’s all in his stomach, making it churn and do somersaults.  Mark thinks that this is what it would feel like if he had eaten a plate of butterflies before he left his dorm this morning.

 

But, he didn’t.  

 

He left without eating breakfast when he knew that there was some really good Indian takeout in the fridge. He had had his heart set on eating the delicious tikka masala once he saw that Jackson had bought extra for himself and Jinyoung.

 

Mark’s stomach rumbled.  Jaebeom narrowed his eyes.

 

“Have you eaten yet today?” He asks Mark.  Mark shakes his head no.

 

“How about I treat you to breakfast? An apology for being an absolute prick, as you put it.” Jaebeom smirked up at him.

 

Mark thought. He was always taught that it was never good to go with strangers anywhere, but he was _really_  hungry, and he hadn’t had a genuine conversation with anyone in weeks where he felt like people actually listened to what he wanted to say. Mark made his decision quick.  

 

“Okay, but you have to pick up your trash before we go.” Mark held out his hand to Jaebeom.

 

Jaebeom grabbed his outstretched hand and Mark helped him to his feet, surprised at the other’s height.  Jaebeom smiled down at him, never letting go of his hand.

 

“What are we waiting for? Let’s go sweetcheeks.”

 

* * *

 

Jaebeom had dragged Mark all over the park trying to look for his cigarette butt. When they couldn’t find it in the field that the two had been talking in Mark knew it was probably a lost cause, but Jaebeom insisted that they look _everywhere._

 

He brought Mark towards the playground next to the field and sat down on a swing.

 

He looked ridiculous.  His leather jacket clashed with the bright purple of the swing set. Mark couldn’t help but giggle at him.

 

“What’re you smilin’ about all to yourself?” Jaebeom questioned him, inching forward.

 

Mark’s face burned and he looked to where Jaebeom wasn’t.

 

“Aw c’mon Mark, share with the peanut gallery.” He began poking Mark again, this time in the side.

 

Mark tensed up once again.  Jaebeom noticed and backed away, nervously slipping his hand away and putting it on the chain of the swing, he looked down at the gravel by his feet.

 

Mark felt his throat closing up,  _god what a fucking mistake he must think sitting down beside me earlier must have been._

 

His heart raced, the butterflies from earlier gone and replaced with panic.

 

He thought he would be able to have a normal conversation with Jaebeom. Hell, he even enjoyed the other leading him all over the field to find a cigarette butt that he knew was long gone. But, he had done it in order to please Mark. To gain Mark’s trust, to try to make the other think he wasn’t such a jerk. Jaebeom had been so nice to Mark, and what had Mark done? Nothing, he kept quiet, only opening his mouth to critique Jaebeom.  

 

_This is why his friends hated him._

 

Mark thinks of himself as a horrible person, now incapable of forming significant bonds with others.  Afraid that anything he does will cause the other person to think of him in a negative light. Afraid that he’ll get so close to someone that he will open up to them completely, only to have them leave him with nothing but his ugly thoughts and memories.

 

When was it that he started being so conservative with his words and actions? The memory of hot breath on his ear came to his mind he felt as if he could feel once again the blunt nails digging in his hips, and the tight hold on his neck becoming constricting.

_Stop stop stop stop—_

 

“Hey sweet cheeks don’t get all lost in your mind,” Jaebeom’s voice brought Mark out of his thoughts. When had his eyes started tearing up?

 

Jaebeom was once again looking up at him.

 

“Please don’t get all worked up. I should’ve never touched ya. That was totally my bad.” Jaebeom’s voice sounded sincere and his were laced with what Mark thought was worry.  

 

Mark suddenly feeling lightheaded sat in the swing beside Jaebeom, “No, it’s my fault. I’m just not so used to others...touching me.”

 

“Hey that’s totally a-okay.  Everyone has something that makes em tick,” Jaebeom started to move his legs and began swinging.  Mark watched him go back and forth, getting higher and higher with every movement of his legs. Mark followed along.

 

Jaebeom continued, “I hate it when people chew too loud. And I’m talkin’ about the people who munch on something soft but somehow make it sound like they’re chewin’ on pretzels.  It really gets my head in a twist.” His fingers tapped on the swing’s chain while he talked.

 

“And I hate it when people walk too slow, especially if they’re in a big group takin’ up so much space that I can’t even walk around them. I just wish I could push them over so they fall one by one like dominoes.” Jaebeom was continuously getting higher as he ranted on.  Mark didn’t think his swing could go any higher.

 

“Simple things like this help calm me down from all that useless stuff though. It makes me feel like I can fly, ya know? Once I get this high I do this.”  Jaebeom kept going and going, his legs pumping more and more, until finally he reached almost to the top of the swing set and _jumped._

 

Mark watched him fall down to the gravel.

 

He watched as Jaebeom landed nicely on his feet and looked at him still swinging away.

 

“Mark,” he asked, “what do you hate?”

 

Mark closed his eyes.  Mark hated a lot of things, so he followed Jaebeom’s lead and started to list off the things that irked him the most, “I hate people who stomp their feet when they walk, I hate when people try to sing along to songs they obviously don’t know they lyrics to, I hate the word ‘yummy’, and I hate it when I catch people checking me out and they just try to look away,” he was swinging higher and higher.  He felt free. “I hate people who are passive aggressive. If you have something to say than fucking say it to my face.”

 

He opened his eyes and saw Jaebeom smiling up at him.  He thought he looked beautiful with his hair tousled by the wind and his eyes turning into happy crescent moons.

 

“What else do you hate Mark?” he asked.

 

_Myself_

 

The swing couldn’t go any higher. Mark squeezed his eyes shut and moved his body forward.

 

He was falling fast.

 

His feet hit the ground first, and the impact surprised him. He fell forward and was ready to come face to face with the ground, but a hard weight stopped him from tumbling into the gravel below.

 

He opened his eyes and realized that Jaebeom had been what stopped his fall.

 

“Let’s go eat, I’m starving,” Jaebeom smirked at him, “and I know I heard your stomach rumble earlier.”

  


* * *

  


The cafe Jaebeom took Mark to was luckily in walking distance from the park they were at. It seemed Jaebeom had also come to the park on foot.  Mark wondered why he was up so early in the morning when most of the world, sans himself, was sleeping peacefully on a Sunday.

 

It was already past eight o’clock in the morning once the pair walked into the small brunch place.  The cafe was quaint looking and had several elderly couples scattered throughout its establishment, all sitting on worn-down wooden chairs painted a faded magenta.  

 

The cafe was covered in what looked to be modern artwork.  Mark saw small plaques underneath the paintings, but even squinting could not tell him what they read.

 

Mark and Jaebeom were seated at a table by a window, but instead of looking outside Mark’s eyes were fixed on Jaebeom.  

 

Behind him was a painting of a lavender flower with its pretty purple petals flying away on a cool, blue wind.  

 

Mark thought the painting and its colors somehow brought out Jaebeom’s features. He could not stop himself from taking in his dining partner’s handsome face.  

After some time in the cafe their waiter brought their meals.

 

Jaebeom began digging into the pancakes he had ordered after putting a copious amount of blueberry syrup on them, and Mark started slathering his bagel with cream cheese.

 

“Ya know, you don’t seem to talk that much,” Jaebeom said in between bites of his pancakes, “but I think I like that.”

 

He swallowed the food in his mouth and drank a gulp of his black coffee.  Mark shuddered at the thought of how bitter that coffee must taste.

 

Jaebeom continued on talking, “Even though you’re not talking, I know that you’re thinking.” He smiled at Mark.

 

“From what I experienced today I would like it if you told me what you were thinking.”

 

Mark finished chewing and spoke ”Why do you even wanna hear what I’m thinking? All i did was call you a prick and talk to you about my pet peeves.”

 

Jaebeom, in the middle of cutting his pancakes, picked up his knife and pointed it at Mark, “You’re the type of person that has a lot of layers.  It may take awhile to peel some of the them away, but I think it will be time well spent.”

 

Mark could feel himself blushing so he looked out the window and said, “You must be crazy.”

 

Jaebeom chuckled and replied, “Stop treating me like this. I’m obviously older than you kid.”  The two fell into playful banter

 

“I don’t know about that, I’ve been told I look young for my age.”

 

“Oh yeah? Then how old are you sweet cheeks?”

 

“Twenty-one”

 

“Ah? You’re just a baby.”

 

“Okay then gramps, how old are you?”  

 

“Twenty-four.  So call me hyung.”

 

Mark was shocked and Jaebeom could obviously tell, “I know I have a youthful face, please don’t be shocked.”

 

Their waiter brought over their check and Jaebeom grabbed it before Mark could even put his hand on the table to reach for it.

 

“Jaebeom you really don’t have to pay for this.”

 

“Hush dongsaeng, let hyung do this for you.” He winked at Mark.

 

He slide his phone over to Mark, and seeing the younger’s face he told him, “To repay me for breakfast, put your number in.  I wasn’t lying Mark, I really wanna try to pull back your layers. And I think we can both have some fun while I do it.”

 

Mark put his number in and the the older finished paying.  The two got up and went outside the cafe.

 

“Mark, text me when you get back to your place.”

 

“Jaebeom, I hardly know you and I don’t even have your number.” Mark tried, he really did not want Jaebeom to waste his time trying to get close to the younger.

 

Jaebeom tapped away on his phone and replied, “Now that’s just not true. You know my name, you know I enjoy the occasional cigarette, you know I like pancakes, and you know how I take my coffee. That’s more than most people know about me.”

 

Mark’s phone buzzed and he looked at it only to be greeted with an unknown number texting him

 

_Now you have my number sweet cheeks_

 

Mark looked up from his phone only to see Jaebeom walking away. He turned back once and said, “Don’t forget to text me!”

 

Mark walked back to his dorm, wondering who exactly he had just met and what he was getting himself into.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked it. I may not update as fast as this later in the game because I really wanna try to make the chapters longer. Thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos!!


	3. Chapter 3

As Mark walked the couple of blocks back to his dorm he felt light as a feather.

 

Jaebeom had been so _refreshing_ to be around.  Somehow he understood that it was difficult for Mark to open up to people, and he actually _understood_.  He tried to make Mark feel comfortable around him and didn’t even attempt to pry into why Mark was so quiet or tense.  

 

He bought Mark freaking breakfast in return for littering in front of him, but the best part was that he had asked for Mark’s number.

 

He wanted to keep talking to Mark.

 

After so long of feeling like an afterthought in his friends’ lives he finally meets someone who seems very willing to keep in contact with Mark, even asking him to let him know when he returned safely to his dorm.  

 

Jaebeom was confusing to Mark.  He had never met someone who was so exuberant and so dark at the same time.  His leather jacket and bruised cheek gave off the aura that Jaebeom would only be snide or unkind, when in reality he was just a guy who drowned his pancakes in blueberry syrup and loved to sit and think on a swing.  

 

As Mark bounded up the stairs leading to his dorm he could not help but smile at the thought of spending more time with the older male.  

 

Jaebeom had said that he wanted to peel Mark’s layers back, and implied that he would have a fun time doing so.  The thought of Jaebeom’s heavy gaze on Mark made him shiver.

 

Mark could not wait to text Jaebeom.

 

Entering his dorm he found Jinyoung on a couch in his living area scrolling through his phone and eating a bowl of cereal.  

 

When he heard the door open, Jinyoung looked up and did a double take.

 

“Mark, your smiling?” Jinyoung asked, he looked at the time on his phone, “And at ten in the morning?”

 

After hearing Jinyoung sound so surprised, Mark realized that his cheeks hurt.   _Just how long had he been smiling for?_

 

Mark shrugged and replied, “I just had…,” Mark tried to find the words to explain his meeting with Jaebeom, “...a really weird morning is all.”

 

Jinyoung eyes him suspiciously, “You met someone didn’t you?”

 

Mark felt his face flush.  Jinyoung’s question implied meeting someone romantically, and Mark had no idea if he felt that way towards Jaebeom.  Sure, the other made Mark’s stomach twist and turn just by looking at him, but it was way too soon for Mark to decide just what he felt towards the other man.  

 

So Mark responded, “No no it wasn’t like that.  I just met someone who was really different is all, someone who really surprised me.”  Jinyoung raised his eyebrows at the response, and put his phone down.

 

“Hyung, maybe you should keep meeting this person then. I don’t even remember the last time I saw you grinning.”

 

Mark bit his cheek.  Did Jinyoung really think of him as so sad and lonely that he didn’t even _remember_ the last time Mark smiled?

 

Whenever Mark did hang out with his friends he tried his best to at least _seem_ interested and engaged in whatever the other boys were talking about.  He thought he at least looked like he was interested in whatever topic of conversation the others would chat about, though he didn’t often contribute to the discussion he still tried his best to smile and nod his head along to the tune of debate going on around him.  

 

Was Mark so transparent that his best friend’s freaking boyfriend could even see through attempt at acting like he was okay?  If Jinyoung was so good at seeing past his charade then of course his other friends had.

 

Yeah, Mark had had a couple of pretty disastrous weeks where he literally did not talk to anyone no matter how hard they tried to get him to open his mouth, but he stopped that.  He thought he had gotten better at hiding his emotions, but obviously he was wrong. And if his friends _did_ know that all along Mark was just acting like he was alright then why did they stop _caring_ and wanting to know if Mark was a lot when it was obvious that Mark _was definitely not alright?_

 

Jackson barley even looked at him anymore, much less talked to him. Youngjae texts Mark every once in awhile asking about how everyone else was doing.  Yugyeom and BamBam, when they’re not stuck in their own little world, just pretend like they’re all just perfectly _fine_.  

 

Mark is not _fine._ Mark is _alone._ And he had put himself in this situation.

 

He is fucking _drowning_ and no one, it seems, wants to jump into the water to pull him to safety.

 

Mark stared at Jinyoung, choosing not to say anything.  He itched his arm nervously. A door opened.

 

“Babe, could you heat me up that Indian food we got the other night?”

 

Jackson had entered the living area where Jinyoung sat, his eyes not noticing that Mark was in the room too.  Jinyoung coughed and Jackson looked up from the couch Jinyoung was sitting on and scanned the room until he noticed Mark. The smile that was on his face fell slightly, but not completely off.  Jackson was always good at hiding his emotions.

 

Mark wished he could be more like him.  

 

“Mark, I haven’t seen you in a couple of days, where were you man?” Jackson asked when he _knew_ that Mark was just in his room. Jackson knew Mark like the back of his damn hand, so why did Jackson so tediously question him when he already has the answers? Did Jackson think that making Mark say that he just spent 48 hours alone in his room out loud would get him to talk more? Because all it did was make Mark more embarrassed and anxious about himself, thus making him spend more time alone with himself. 

 

“I was in my room, but I just went out earlier.” Mark explained, and looked away from Jackson’s gaze. It was making Mark’s heart beat too fast, his head started to burn. He wanted to get away, so he opted for an easy escape route.

 

Mark nodded at Jackson and looked towards Jinyoung once again to smile at the other before he left to go to his room, allowing himself to leave the two and also  getting in the middle of whatever the couple had planned for the day.

 

Because that’s all Mark would do if he tried to stay with them, just get in the way.  He would sit awkwardly while they flirted with one another, constantly taking up space in a place where he was not needed.  With Jackson’s cold eyes and Jinyoung’s questioning gaze going back and forth as they talked about Mark without saying a single word to him.

 

He could still hear their voices as he closed his door, not able to make out the exact words but able to distinguish a loud sigh from Jackson.  

 

Mark went to his bed and got out his headphones.  He plugged them into his phone and layed in his bed, staring at his ceiling.  

 

Alone is where Mark liked to be.  With others around he can’t control how he feels, their movements and tone of voices making him worry that he’s never doing the right thing.  

 

Alone is what Mark should be.  Never having to bother people with his silent presence.  Jaebeom would be better off if Mark never texted him. He should just cut off all communication with the older.  

 

Mark shut his eyes and saw red once again.  The specific crimson shade plaguing his thoughts.   _God would it just fucking leave his mind already?_

 

He saw drops of blood swirling in his mind, dripping down white and Mark just wanted it all to _end._

 

He knew what he was going to do. He got off of his bed and left his room.

 

“—ackson you don’t understand I think he’s seeing someone,” Jinyoung’s voice echoed off the walls as Mark quickly walked past the couple and out the door to his dorm.  Not stopping to see their surprised faces as he breezes past them to get to the door.

 

Mark felt his head get heavy. His thoughts swimming with _red red red._

 

* * *

  


As Mark knocked on the door of BamBam and Yugyeom’s shared apartment he cursed himself for not texting one of them and asking if they were home before he made the bone headed decision to come over.  The plastic bag full of goods he had purchased at a nearby drugstore felt heavy in his hand.

 

Mark had left his own dorm determined to follow through the plan he had conjured in his mind.  Walking to his local stop-n-shop, he passed by the park he had been at earlier in the morning. He thought of Jaebeom and how he had not texted the other male like he had been asked to.  

 

Mark’s heart hurt.  He really really liked talking to Jaebeom, the older male had seemed so _cool_ and _confident_ in himself.  So unlike how Mark carried his own self.

 

He stood in front of his friends’ door after knocking for what felt like five minutes straight and then standing outside waiting for what felt like another ten minutes before he decided that the younger two were definitely not home.

 

He’s sure Jinyoung wouldn’t mind, but the he would also have absolutely no idea with how to go about with what Mark wanted to do.

 

The cigarettes he had seen above the cashier’s head at the drugstore came to mind.  Mark had thought about buying a pack, wanting to know why Jaebeom felt the need to seek out the sensation of smoking so early in the morning.  He decided against it, but made a mental note of the brand name of the kind Jaebeom seemed to like to smoke.

 

_Jaebeom_

 

Maybe the older could help him? But would he be mad at Mark for not texting him back earlier? Would he say it was too soon to see each other again? Would he even want to see Mark again?

 

He pushed those thoughts aside and pulled out his phone, texting the unsaved number that had messaged him earlier in the day.

 

_hey I know we saw each other earlier today but I really need some help right now_

 

He locked his phone and turned on his vibrate so he would know when Jaebeom texted him back.  Walking out of BamBam and Yugyeom’s apartment complex, his phone buzzed.

 

_I could see you anytime of the day. Do you want to come over?_

Mark blushed.  

 

He had originally planned to invite Jaebeom back to his own apartment, but remembering how Jinyoung was so adamant about how Mark met someone earlier he thought against it.  If Mark brought Jaebeom to his dorm room Jinyoung would eye Mark continuously and Jackson would scrutinize Mark’s choice in men silently.

 

Something he would usually do outloud, but hasn’t for awhile due to Mark and Jackson not talking for quite some time and Mark not bringing anyone home in an even longer time.

 

Mark responded to the text and asked where Jaebeom lived. A few moments later his phone buzzed again with an address. Mark plugged it into his gps and started walking. It seemed to be close to BamBam and Yugyeom lived.

 

Of course Mark lived in a college town so there were many places around for college kids to live.  As Mark walked he had to wipe sweat away from his forehead. Summers in Goyang were hot and Mark had not changed out of the hoodie he threw on earlier this morning.  Mark cursed himself once again for being so forgetful of how bright the sun burns in Korea in the afternoon.

 

Mark’s family had moved to Goyang, South Korea when he was in high school in order for his father to pursue a job opportunity.  Mark learned the language quick with the help of Youngjae and Jackson who he became fast friends with. His two new friends showed him how beautiful the country was after their trips to nearby lakes and rivers, and he opted to stay in South Korea for university as well while his family moved back home to LA.

 

Jackson, Youngjae, and him had been so excited to continue going to school together and would spend all their time with each other talking about their day and drinking beer and soju.  When Jackson had brought along BamBam and Yugyeom to one of their hangouts the five of them all seemed to click well and continued on being friends with one another.

 

After their second year Youngjae decided that Goyang just wasn’t where he wanted to be anymore and moved a train ride away to Seoul.

 

The others continued on hanging out and after some time Jackson introduced them all to Jinyoung, BamBam and Yugyeom got together, and Mark started getting lost in his thoughts.

 

Mark stood outside of Jaebeom’s apartment complex lost.  Maybe he should just turn around and go home. His phone buzzed.

 

_You almost here?_

 

Mark sighed, assuming he couldn’t just leave Jaebeom on read and leave he entered the building and walked the five flights of stairs to Jaebeom’s apartment.

 

He knocked on the door and Jaebeom opened it immediately with a grin

 

“I really hope you aren’t allergic to cats.”

 

Mark wasn’t.

 

He shook his head and the other opened his door further, inviting Mark inside.

 

“Don’t mind the mess,” Jaebeom said as he shrugged, “people usually aren’t over here. I took a trash bag out just before you came and was gonna clean up more, but you must’ve ran over here or somethin’.”  

 

Mark glanced around the apartment and it seemed as if it was a very typical looking place for a twenty- four year old bachelor.  A small place fixed with a living area with its kitchen connected to it by a half-wall that was stacked high with trinkets and mail.  A worn-down leather loveseat was riddled with scratches and the coffee-table across from it was covered with take out boxes. On the walls were paintings, some just black and white, others splattered with so many bright colors that Mark couldn’t look at them for long.  

 

As Jaebeom watched the other look around his home Mark noticed him playing with his fingers.

 

“I’m sorry for coming so abruptly…” Mark watched as Jaebeom’s hands went into the pockets of his pants, “I just really had nowhere else to go.”

 

Mark placed the plastic bag in his hands on Jaebeom’s table, he looked up at the elder and smiled, “Also I felt bad about not texting you earlier so I thought why not just come see you again.”  Jaebeom chuckled, Mark liked the sound. It was deep and airy.

 

“Stop trying to flatter me. Just show me what’s in the damn bag.”

  


* * *

  


Mark and Jaebeom could both barely squeeze into the latter’s bathroom.  Mark sat on a stool with a towel around his neck and his bleached hair combed out.

 

“Alright sweetcheeks I’m gonna start.  You sure you wanna do this?” Mark nodded in the affirmative and Jaebeom began applying the color to sections of Mark’s hair.

 

When Jaebeom had looked inside of the bag Mark had brought from the drug store he took out the box of hair dye Mark had bought and said, “Now this is a statement color.”

 

Mark had shyly explained that his friend who usually dyed his hair for him had been out and unable to help him. Jaebeom grinned and Mark couldn't help but laugh as the older told him that when he was in high school his hair had also been bleached blonde and he had had a variety of different neon colored streaks in the front of his hair, so he was no stranger to the dying process.

 

Now as Mark sat calmly while Jaebeom streaked his hair with the wet product he thought about how glad he was that the other male was so quick to help.  While they were together in the morning Mark had found out just how understanding the older was. Jaebeom was so kind and seemed to be so caring towards Mark even though the two were strangers just hours before.  

 

Mark was beginning to trust the other.  Trust was something Mark never just gave sparingly to others.  He had become hyper-aware of just what others could do when he gave them their trust.  People had come into Mark’s life and gained his trust only to break him down from the inside out, creeping away when their ugly efforts had succeeded.  So Mark was surprised at himself for humoring the older and going above and beyond the other’s expectations of a simple text back to going over to his apartment.

 

Mark yelped as Jaebeom pulled a strand of his hair too harshly for his liking, “Ah sorry about that. Sensitive scalp?” Mark nodded and looked at himself in the mirror.  He looked tired, but he could see Jaebeom clearly behind him.

 

Mark watched as Jaebeom colored every section of Mark’s hair with a cool look on his face, his cheeks rose every now and then.  Mark thought he might be smiling to himself.

 

“Any reason why you wanted this color?” Jaebeom asked as he looked at Mark through the mirror.

 

Mark hummed while he thought of his answer. He had dyed his hair often, but stopped at the same time he started locking himself away from his friends.  As he sat alone, unable to face the appalling memories that were resurfacing in his mind and refusing the help of his loved ones, he had let his hair go from a vibrant gold to the dry white it now looked like. Mark thought it reflected his personality change quite fittingly.  

 

“My hair has probably been every color of the rainbow except this,” he answered while locking eyes with Jaebeom in the mirror, “I guess I lost the desire to have fun colored hair for awhile.”

 

The older eyed him, Mark noticed that the mirror they looked at each other in was speckled with black and splotched with fingerprints.

 

“I’m really glad you wanted to dye your hair a cool color again.”  Jaebeom finished speaking but was still looking at Mark. There was no doubt in Mark’s mind that Jaebeom was effortlessly looking through him, his gazed soften and he spoke again, “It shows that you’re ready for a change.”

 

* * *

  


Jaebeom and Mark sat on Jaebeom’s couch while they waited for the dye in Mark’s hair to set. Mark had followed the directions on the box and set a timer on his phone for 35 minutes.  Jaebeom had gotten the other a glass of water and popped open a can of Coke.

 

“Sorry again for the mess.” Jaebeom said as he moved the take out containers off of the table so Mark could set his water down.

 

“It’s fine, I should have waited a little before coming over.” He bit his lip, nervous to continue, “Please don’t apologize...hyung.”

 

Jaebeom smiled at him and plopped down on the couch next to him.  Mark inspected the other’s black t-shirt and noticed countless strands of what Mark assumed to be cat hair.

 

“You implied that you had cats earlier, where are they?” Mark asked.

 

“Ah, I locked them away in my room before you came.  If you listen closely enough you can probably hear them scratchin’ away at my door.”

 

“You should let them out. I consider myself a dog person, but I don’t mind cats. Just wish they were more loveable.”

 

Jaebeom chuckled at that, “Cats are very loveable, they just like doin’ their own thing.  I like having pets that aren’t too dependent on me.” He reached in his pocket and took out his pack of cigarettes.  “Besides, I always lock em’ up in my room when I smoke out here. Don’t want them inhaling this shit.”

 

Mark contemplated this, “Then why do you inhale that shit?”

 

Jaebeom just grinned at him, “You’re a tough one aren’t ya sweetcheeks?” He reached into his pack and took a lighter off of the table to light up the end of the stick. “Smokin’ helps me clear my mind.  I know it sounds bad, and I know it’s bad for me, but sometimes I feel like it’s the only thing that can help me think.”

 

Mark watched him puff smoke out and eyed the way the end of the cigarette as it lit up with red and orange embers.  Jaebeom followed his eyes.

 

“You look curious. Ever smoked one before?” Mark shook his head.

 

“I’ve only ever smoked blunts before, never cigs.”

 

“You should keep it that way, and I usually would never encourage smoking. But wanna give it a go?” Jaebeom asked as he held his lit cigarette to Mark’s face. Mark made a face at the smoke that was whafting in his face but took it nonetheless.

 

Jaebeom watched as Mark lifted the cigarette to his mouth and breathed in. Foul tasting smoke filled Mark’s mouth and he brought his elbow to his mouth as he began to cough. He handed the cigarette back to a cackling Jaebeom.

 

“Ew why did you let me try that shit?” Mark asked between coughs.

 

“Because I had a feeling you wouldn’t like it.” He answered back, smiling at Mark.

 

“You seem to know a lot about me.”

 

“Your face just isn’t as closed up as you want it to be.  I see the way you look at me when I smoke, so I assumed you wouldn’t like it because you already think that smoking is somethin’  gross.”

 

“You’re very observant hyung.”

 

Jaebeom ashed off his cigarette into an empty can.  Mark’s phone timer went off.

 

The older looked up at him, “You can use the shampoo and conditioner in the shower.  Do you want a t-shirt? I got some dye on your hoodie.”

 

Mark nodded and went off into Jaebeom’s bathroom once more.

 

As the hot stream of the bathroom clouded the mirror with steam Mark shimmied off his clothes and stepped under the water.  Mark wondered what Jaebeom was doing, was he finishing his cigarette, was he thinking of the younger?

 

Mark lathered his hair in the older’s showering products and blushed at the thought of Jaebeom using them just as Mark did, naked and covered in thick steam.

 

Mark wondered if Jaebeom liked his showers hot.  Mark often didn’t leave the shower unless his skin was tinted red from hot water, something Youngjae had scolded him for.

 

_“It’s not healthy hyung!”_

 

Finishing with washing his hair, Mark stepped out of the shower and dried himself with a towel Jaebeom had given him along with an extra t-shirt of his.  Above the toilet he saw a basket that held an assortment of bathroom necessities like brushes, combs, a hairdryer, and some headbands. Mark hoped Jaebeom wouldn’t mind the noise as he plugged in the hairdryer and began blowing his hair with the hot air.

 

As Mark finished dressing himself in one of Jaebeom’s old t-shirts from high school and his gray sweats he looked at himself in the dirty mirror. He still looked tired, but his hair had brought something to life in his eyes.

 

It was just so _red._

 

He exited the bathroom and found Jaebeom so engrossed with sketching in a giant notepad and patting the head of a black cat by his side,that he didn’t even hear Mark open the bathroom door.

 

“Oh hyung you draw?” Jaebeom jerked up as he heard Mark speak and shut his sketchbook quickly.

 

“I draw sometimes. But, mostly I paint,” Jaebeom motioned to the paintings hung up on his walls, “I did all of these myself.”

 

Mark looked at him with wide-eyes, obviously impressed, “Hyung that’s so cool! These are so good.”

 

“I mean they have to be good, I’m a freelancer so I hope my paintings are good.” Jaebeom looked nervous talking about his job.  Mark thought that being an artist was very fitting for Jaebeom. When Mark had first met him he didn’t know what to think of the older male, wearing a leather jacket and bragging about getting into a fight at a bar, but Mark could easily see Jaebeom with an asiel of an array of colors as he scowled at a blank canvas in front of him.

 

“You’re really talented Jaebeum hyung.” That seemed to calm down Jaebeom a bit as he looked less tentative.

 

“Thanks sweetcheeks.  I saw you lookin’ at the paintings in the diner earlier. I did some of them too.”

 

Mark smiled, “I really like them hyung. Will you show me more?" Jaebeom nodded and got up from the couch, putting his sketchbook down and making his cat scurry away. 

He lead Mark to his guest room, “This is where I keep all of my unfinished works.”

 

The room was cluttered with different size canvases covered in things ranging from what looked to be landscapes of forests and waterfalls to abstract portraits of people’s faces. There was containers of paint scattered all over the floor, some as small as a tube of hand lotion, others as big as a newborn baby.  

 

“Most of the ones here I’m being commissioned to do.” Jaebeom explained as he sat down on the floor, he patted the spot next to him and Mark sat down as well.

 

“I’m really lucky, people see my work at places like that diner and contact me on my website. My parents cut me off about five years ago when I was still a low-life, snotty teen who wanted to do nothing with my life. Art has been the only thing that helped me out of bein’ a despicable person. It’s made me really think about my life and was the only thing that helped me out of a deep hole I dug myself into.”

 

Listening to Jaebeom, Mark didn’t know how to reply.  So he grabbed Jaebeom’s hand and squeezed it with his own to let the other know that he was paying attention.

 

“Sometimes I just feel so lost Mark, and painting is the only thing that helps me find my way.”

 

Mark responded, “I’m jealous of you. I feel like I’m stuck hyung, with no map or compass to help.”

 

Jaebeom moved their fingers together so that they were intertwined, “Just stick with me, I’ll help you find your way.”

 

Mark looked down at their hands.  This was the first time in a long time that Mark had initiated contact with anyone. Sitting with Jaebeom and hearing him talk just felt so right to Mark.  He leaned forward and placed a kiss on Jaebeom’s cheek.

 

The other smiled at him, “Sweetcheeks you’re gonna make me as red as your hair.”  
  


 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I described dying hair right lol I watched a youtube video on it bc I've never done it myself. Also!! More on JB's past next chapter, boyy is it gonna be a big one lol. Thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos!! I really appreciate it :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol you all read the tags, please be safe loves

As Jaebeom and Mark continued talking in what Jaebeom referred to as his “splatterin’ room” the pair’s hands remained intertwined.  The two didn’t move except for Mark moving to put his head on Jaebeom’s shoulder and the older drawling circles on Mark’s hand with his thumb. 

 

“Your new hair looks good on you, ya know,” Jaebeom drawled on, “red as a fuckin’ stab wound, but it looks real good on ya.” His statement seemed innocent enough to Mark, but Jaebeom’s eyes had narrowed and his face looked too thoughtful for what he said to be taken as just a plain compliment. 

 

Mark picked his head up and looked at the other.  The sun was going down outside of the building, making a shadow fall on half of Jaebeom’s face. 

 

“I just don’t know why you’d dye your hair something so dramatic, if not for…” Jaebeom trailed off and looked away to the window.

 

“What are you trying to get at hyung?” 

 

“What happened to you Mark?” Jaebeom questioned, staring directly at Mark. His thumb had stopped dancing on Mark’s skin. “I have a good idea of what I think happened, but I wanna hear the story from you.” 

 

Mark couldn’t handle the weight of Jaebeom’s gaze and put his head down to the floor.  His mind was screaming at him to  _ tell  _ Jaebeom because it was time to finally say it outloud, to finally face reality and stop closing in on himself for something that he could never change. But his heart was telling him to keep his secret sealed away, afraid that if Jaebeom knew he would leave. 

 

“Mark I wouldn’t ever think differently of ya, I just want to help.” Jaebeom’s thumb started it’s swirling motions once more, “If you don’t wanna tell me and just get up and leave I won’t even hold it against ya, I just think that you came to me for a reason,” the circles Jaebeom was drawing on Mark’s hand got faster and faster as if Jaebeom was afraid Mark would disappear, “If you’re not ready to talk we can just continue sittin’ here I don’t mi—”

 

Mark cut Jaebeom off as he made up his mind. “Do you have any beer?” Mark said as he interrupted Jaebeom. The older seemed taken aback but nodded.

 

Jaebeom liked Mark for who he was now, the tense anxious version of himself that it seemed all of his other friends could care less for. As Mark began to be more reserved it was obvious how his friends longed for the  _ old  _ Mark, the  _ fun  _ Mark.  But Jaebeom never knew that Mark and seemed to like him as he is, nervous and shyer than ever. 

  
  
  


“I’ll tell you, but I really need to drink some alcohol if I’m going to be talking to someone about the time I got raped.” 

 

Mark kept his eyes on the floor as he spoke. He couldn’t feel his heartbeat, but he felt so nauseous. His stomach seemed as if it was caught in too-tight knots and all he tasted was bile at the back of his throat. 

 

Mark thought that the only thing keeping him from vomiting his guts out onto the floor was the fact that Jaebeom was  _ still  _ beside him, holding his hand and looking at him so softly. Mark’s secret was out of its tightly sealed bag, and all it took for it to come out was meeting some stranger who was too nice to him. 

 

Mark was fucking weak, but at least Jaebeom was by his side...wanting to help. 

 

Jaebeom finally spoke, “I can bring you a whole pack if you want.” 

 

Mark whispered out a  _ please _ and the older squeezed his hand and got up to leave the room. Mark’s eyes never left the floor, the bile in his throat was rising and rising. Mark thought that he may actually puke. He heard the fridge shut and Jaebeom came bounding back into the room, a pack of beer in his hands. 

 

“Hope you don’t mind IPAs, these ones are a little sour.” He placed them in front of the younger and pulled a beer out from the plastic holding it and popped open the tab, handing it off to Mark.

 

Mark put the alcoholic drink to his lips and started to chug. He didn’t even taste it until the final drops were rolling down his throat. It was a bit sour, but still very bitter. He placed the can down in front of him and took out another beer and started to sip on it.

 

Jaebeom looked at the can Mark had finished, “Man, I’ve really never met anyone like you before.” Mark shrugged swung his beer back and the older’s gaze shifted to meet Mark’s eyes, “Have you ever talked about this before with anyone?” 

 

Mark shook his head and Jaebeom asked, “Do you want me to hold your hand again?” 

 

Mark nodded and grabbed the older’s hand, “I don’t even know why I’m okay with telling you this, not even my best friend knows.” 

 

Jaebeom intertwined their fingers once more and said, “Mark what you went through was traumatic. Maybe you’re okay with tellin’ me is because I haven’t known you long enough to judge you.” 

 

Mark kept his eyes in front of him, unfocused. Even so, it was as if he could feel everything in the room looking at him, including Jaebeom and the glazed over eyes of his unfinished works. 

“It happened two years ago I think during my first year of university, I’m not really sure on the exact day, but a couple months ago I started  _ remembering _ .” Mark could feel Jaebeom looking at him, he was unsure of how it made him feel. 

 

His heart had finally started thumping again and his brain was whirling. Everything felt like it was going too fast, but Mark wasn’t even moving. 

 

“All of a sudden I had these very vivid memories of these two guys fucking  _ doing  _ things to me, and I can’t even do anything about it because it happened so long ago that the cunts who raped me already graduated.” Jaebeom opened a beer of his own.

 

“And that’s what they are they’re fucking cunts because... because of them I can’t even be myself anymore hyung.  God, when I started remembering what those fucks did to me I locked myself in my room for a straight week and tried to forget. But I couldn’t. Now I’ll always know what it feels like to be truly disgusting.” Mark couldn’t stop, he had been silent for too long and it felt like his voice would never stop until Mark made Jaebeom understand why his rape had made him so closed off, “Now whenever I speak in front of people I’m worried that I’ll feel their hands around my neck, or someone will touch me but I’ll just feel the way they bruised my skin, or I’ll hear someone talking but it will just sound like the way they yelled at me and told me to  _ take it.”  _

 

Mark was crying now, his vision was blurred but his head was still buzzing with the high of finally  _ telling  _ someone his dirty secret.

 

“I used to be quiet before hyung, but I was never so tense or closed off until I remembered what happened to me. I-I think it made me hate myself hyung.” He felt tears dripping down his face.

 

But Mark felt  _ better _ .

 

He felt _ alive.  _ Someone finally knew. 

 

He wasn’t trapped alone anymore, locked in a room with this weight trapped tight to himself. Jaebeom had slammed the door to the room open and was trying to untangle Mark from out of the darkness strapped onto him. 

 

But, something was wrong. His head wasn’t swimming with excitement anymore but Mark could feel a movement of some sort.  He looked towards Jaebeom and let out a gasp. 

 

Jaebeom’s jaw was clenched and his arms were shaking. 

 

“Mark, you said that the two psychos that raped you graduated.” His eyes narrowed as he spoke. “Did you know them?” 

 

All Mark could do was nod. He let go of Jaebeom’s hand and used his now free limb to begin to wipe at his eyes.

 

“We weren’t like friends but they were on the fencing team with my best friend, Jackson.” 

 

Jaebeom got up and left the room. Mark was confused.

 

Did Mark disgust him now? When Mark had started to remember what happened to him and the faces of Jackson’s former teammates swam into his mind, Mark debated telling Jackson what had happened.  But everytime he faced his best friend his tongue felt tied and the words the two had called him were stuck in his mind. 

 

_ No one will believe you, how could Jackson like spending time with a whore like you, god you’re such a slut this will probably just happen to you again. _

 

Mark heard a loud  _ bang _ . 

 

Jaebeom came back into the room, his hand bloody.  He stood by the door and looked at Mark sitting on his floor surrounded by his multitude of art.  Although his paintings were slewed with a myriad of different colors, Mark was the brightest thing to light up the dim room. His red hair reflected the light in the room. 

 

“Mark, thank you for telling me.” Mark wanted Jaebeom to come closer to him, to hold his hand, to touch him, so that he knew the older was not disgusted by him. Nausea returned to Mark, the bile rising in his throat. It tasted sour.

 

“I know I’ve only known you for a day, but sweetcheeks,” Jaebeom was talking, Mark didn’t think he could look at him, “you are so fucking amazing. It’s incredible that that shit happened to you and you’re still standin’ here today.” 

 

Jaebeom’s hands were moving as he talked, blood dripped down his arm, “God, with what you’ve had to live with, you’re so strong Mark. Please please don’t hate yourself sweetcheeks, most people on this planet aren’t even half as resilient as you. To remember that shit and to live with it? You’re fuckin’ courageous that’s what you are.” 

 

Mark rose to his feet. 

 

Jaebeom didn’t think he was revolting, he thought he was  _ strong.  _ Mark wanted to be strong. 

 

He walked to where Jaebeom was leaning against the doorframe and took his bloody hand.

 

“Jaebeom hyung, you were right earlier,” He leaned closer to the older, Jaebeom was taller than him so Mark boosted himself up on his tiptoes, “I am ready for a change. I don’t know why it took me meeting you to make me realize it.” He stared at Jaebeom’s lips.  “But, fuck I’m so happy I did.” 

 

Mark pressed their lips together, Jaebeom’s hand came up to cup his cheek. When Mark pulled away Jaebeom whispered, “Are you alright with this?” 

 

“I’m not sure.” Mark replied truthfully, the older slung his shoulder over the other and pulled him out of the room to the sink. 

 

“How about you bandage up my hand up for me and then I’ll buy you some takeout.” 

 

There were no bandages or gauze in Jaebeom’s apartment so Mark had the older press wet paper towels to his bloody knuckles until the bleeding stopped. 

 

“Hyung, if you can’t control your temper then you should really keep a first aid kit around.” Mark scolded the older as he threw away the damp towels.

 

“Sweetcheeks you gotta believe me, I barely ever get that aggressive nowadays.” Jaebeom said as he stretched out his hands.  Mark rolled his eyes.

 

“The bruise on your cheek says otherwise.”  Jaebeom chuckled at Mark and sat down on his couch

 

“Hey you already know what happened with that!” Mark just smiled and sat down, he felt content being next to the other. 

 

The two were quiet for awhile. Mark wanted to say something, wanted to thank the other male for being so understanding. But it was Jaebeom who spoke first. 

 

“Mark, if you don’t ever want to speak about this again then that’s fine. It’s your experience, and I can understand why you like keepin’ it to yourself, but I really think you should tell your friends about this.” 

 

Mark brought his knees up to the couch so he could hug his knees, and looked straight forward at Jaebeom’s messy table. 

 

“I know I should. But, it’s just every time I want to I stop myself.” Mark wasn’t sure if Jaebeom would understand his reasoning but he felt that he should at least explain himself, “After the incident I started getting really anxious, and I wasn’t sure why. I could still act normal around people but when I was alone it just felt like the world was caving in on me.” He brought up a hand to brush his bangs out of his eyes. “Then once I did remember what happened, it’s like everything switched. I still felt anxious when I was alone, but it was even worse when I was in front of people. It felt like everything I was doing or saying was wrong and that when people looked at me it felt like they just looked right through me.” 

 

“Mark, I’m sure it was just all in your head.” 

 

“I know it was, I know it still is. But I can’t help it. Everything I do just feels so useless sometimes, like I’m wasting energy for no reason because who would want to hang out with a  _ slut _ like me.” Mark tucked his head into his knees. “So I stopped talking to my friends, and when they got sick of trying to get me to open up, they stopped talking to me too.” 

 

Mark’s chest bubbled as he said the next thing, “I’m still not sure why I’m telling you as much as I am. It just feels like you understand, like you’ve been stuck in the same darkness that I can’t get out of.” 

 

Jaebeom lit up a cigarette, Mark was starting to get used to the smoky smell, “I have been. But are stories are very different and mine is for a different day.” 

 

Mark nodded in understanding. If Jaebeom wasn’t ready to tell him about his past then so be it, he was comforted with just talking with the older. 

 

The doorbell rang, and Jaebeom got up to open the door for the delivery boy. He came back to the couch holding a large square box. 

 

“American style pizza it is!” Jaebeom said happily as he set the pizza box in front of Mark. 

 

As the two ate Mark talked about his home in LA and how he moved to Korea. He spoke about how he was majoring in linguistics at the local university and how the school provided a 4+1 program where he would go to school for five years and gain a bachelors and masters degree. He discussed his job at the university’s library, and how excited he was to start working again once the semester started because all he did was stock books for a pretty decent wage.  

 

Once he was done, exhausted from sharing so much about himself, Jaebeom told him stories about his childhood.  How he grew up on a farm in Busan with strict parents but would always sneak away to play with his friends at a local creek.  The Lim family farm specialized in growing vegetables, but Jaebeom wanted to do anything but sell produce for the rest of his life so he began rebelling by not studying and hanging out with local teenagers his parents didn’t like. He told Mark about annoying customers who he had, whose gave him vague descriptions of what they wanted and were then angry when their painting didn’t turn out exactly how they wanted. 

 

Mark didn’t know when he started drifting off, but he fell asleep on Jaebeom’s couch as he rested his head on the older’s shoulder and listened to to his deep voice as he drawled on about his newest project he had been commissioned to do.  Jaebeom’s voice sounded like a unrehearsed melody as he went on about the scenic landscape he had to paint for a local bank, and Mark couldn’t help but closing his eyes and listen to the tune of Jaebeom’s words.

 

* * *

 

As Mark woke up he yawned and pulled the soft blanket closer to his body as he snuggled more on the comfortable bed he layed in.  Once he was awake enough to open his eyes he found himself in an unfamiliar room. He was in Jaebeom’s room, in Jaebeom’s bed. The older must’ve brought him to bed after he fell asleep while the other was talking. Mark blushed at the thought of Jaebeom carrying him to his own room in a bridal style position. 

 

He was alone in a big bed that could’ve easily fit two. He wondered why Jaebeom didn’t sleep next to him, but was happy that he woke up alone.  

 

He scanned the room and saw that it was filled with wooden furniture and pretty pictures of flowers, beaches, and tall buildings. But there seemed to be no traces of Jaebeom’s friends or family in the room. Mark wondered if Jaebeom was a loner.

 

Mark got up from the bed and exited the room.  He found Jaebeom still asleep on the couch where the two spent most of the night talking.  The pizza box was empty but open, Mark picked it up and broke it down. He found a trash bag and started picking up the trash that littered Jaebeom’s apartment. 

 

He picked up his phone to see the time, but found that it was dead. The clock on Jaebeom’s microwave told him it was almost ten in the morning.  Mark wasn’t hungry but he thought that making breakfast for Jaebeom was the least he could do for all he made the older do last night.

 

Jaebeom woke up to the smell of coffee and found Mark in his kitchen cooking eggs. 

 

“You sure know how to make a man happy sweetcheeks.” He told Mark while he stretched. When he brought his arms above his head Mark watched as his shirt lifted, showing a bit of skin. 

 

“These delicious eggs and disgustingly black coffee are a thank you from me, hyung.” Mark said as he pushed scrambled eggs onto a plate and handed it off to Jaebeom. 

 

“No need to thank me, just keep making me breakfast.” Jaebeom went back to the couch he slept on and began eating, “I wouldn’t have bought you all that food if I knew you could cook.” He teased. 

 

Mark giggled walking over to where Jaebeom was and began picking up the stuff he brought with him. Stuffing his stained hoodie in the plastic drug store bag and pocketing his phone. 

 

Jaebeom raised and eyebrow at him, “Leaving so soon?” 

 

Mark nodded, “I was still awake when you were talking about how much of a bitch that painting for that bank will be, so I’m getting out of your hair so you can work on it.” 

 

Jaebeom began to open his mouth to protest the younger’s leaving but Mark spoke before he could say anything, “I was also awake when you were talking about how soon it’s due and how much work you still need to get done on it.” Jaebeom shut his mouth, obviously defeated and crossed his arms in a huff. 

 

Mark smiled and bent down so he was face to face with Jaebeom who was still sitting. 

 

“Don’t worry I’ll text you, but I don’t expect a text back until you make some progress on the painting.” He kissed Jaebeom’s cheek and got up, picking up his bag and heading towards the door. 

 

Jaebeom got up to follow him, “How do I know you’ll actually text me?” 

 

Mark grabbed at the shirt he was wearing, “Because I’ll need to tell you when I’m on my way over to give this back to you after I wash it.” 

 

That seemed to make the older happy and he kissed Mark’s forehead and said his goodbyes as the younger left his apartment.  

 

As he walked back to his dorm Mark felt very happy. 

 

He had never expected to meet someone like Jaebeom. Someone who got Mark to open up, someone who made him feel comfortable, someone who didn’t judge him for being so quiet, someone who  _ liked  _ him. 

 

After so long of spending time thinking that no one would ever understand just why Mark acted like he did he was so relieved. 

 

He thought over Jaebeom’s words as he walked back and made up his mind.  He would tell Jackson what happened. He hoped his friend would understand like Jaebeom did as to why he had to take time for himself, and that him and Jackson could go back to what they once were. He also made plans in his mind to go to Seoul, maybe with Jackson, and tell Youngjae why he had been so distant. 

 

Once he reached the floor his dorm was on he heard yelling. 

 

There was only a handful of people who were living in the dorms right now as the summer was in full swing and the new school year didn’t start for another month. Mark believed that it was only him and Jackson living on this floor. 

 

As he got closer to his dorm he could make out that the yelling was coming from Jackson and he could hear a softer voice trying to calm him down. 

 

“Jinyoung you don’t understand, Mark isn’t in his room or answering his phone, no one knows where he is.” 

 

“Jackson you’ve gone weeks with not talking to Mark, I’m sure he’s fine.” 

 

“No no no, he’s usually just asleep in his room. I check on him whenever I don’t hear from him for a day, but he’s always just sleeping in his bed. Jinyoung he’s not there. He’s been so quiet, and when I went in his room he had ripped all of his pictures from his wall down. I’m afraid he may have done something to himself.”  

 

Mark stood outside of his door shocked. Jackson checked on him regularly? That meant he still cared about him. But, then why had the other seemed so mad at Mark everytime they hung out together with other people? 

 

Mark could feel his heartbeat in his head. Nothing made sense. He opened the door in the middle of Jackson telling Jinyoung that they needed to contact the police. 

 

Both Jackson and Jinyoung’s heads snapped around when they heard the door open. The light bag Mark carried felt like it weighed a hundred pounds and his arms shook as the two looked at him in shock. Jackson was the first to speak.

 

“Mark why the fuck haven’t you been answering your phone?” 

 

Mark cursed himself for not asking Jaebeom if he could borrow a charger last night and told his friend that his phone was dead. That answer didn’t seem to satisfy Jackson and he crossed his arms. Jinyoung was still openly staring at Mark, his gaze unreadable. 

 

“Hyung, your hair.” Jinyoung said to him. Mark reached up and felt the newly dyed locks. 

 

“Yeah, I dyed it. Sick of the blonde.” He replied easily, he hoped they couldn’t hear how loud his heart was beating. 

 

Jackson looked exasperated, “So you were with Bam? I called him but he said he had no idea where you were. Did you tell him not to tell me that you saw him?” 

 

Jackson looked hurt and Mark spoke fast to clear up the misunderstanding, “Bamie didn’t dye my hair. I went to his apartment but no one answered.” 

 

Jackson just stared at the other, “Then where did you go? I know you don’t like dying your hair yourself.” 

 

Mark scratched his arm uncomfortably, not sure if he wanted to tell Jackson about Jaebeom. 

 

“Mark why didn’t you tell me where you were? Do you know how worr—” Jackson was cut off by Jinyoung before he could finish.

 

“Hyung. Where did you get that shirt from?” 

 

Mark looked down at the shirt he was wearing. It was just a t-shirt Jaebeom had given to him that said his old high school's name on it with ‘ _ class of 2013’ _ under it. 

 

“You didn’t go to Kyungnam Prep, because I went to Kyungnam Prep.” 

 

Mark froze. Jaebeom and Jinyoung had gone to the same highschool. 

 

But, Jaebeom was three years older then Jinyoung so there was only a slight chance that the two even knew each other. 

 

“Yeah, I met someone who I guess went there. He dyed my hair and got red all over my hoodie so he lent me this shirt. I slept over there.”

 

“You slept over a guy’s house? Mark you barely ever leave your room when did you meet this guy?” Jackson sounded livid. Mark wasn’t sure if he was actually mad at Mark or just worried about still not really knowing where Mark was.  

 

Mark’s face heated up as he answered, “Um so this is gonna sound really weird, but I actually met him yesterday morning.” He saw Jackson getting ready to yell at him again and quickly stated, “I didn’t mean to not come home, we just spent so much time talking and I accidently fell asleep.” Mark looked down at the floor. 

 

“You didn’t come back because you stayed up talking? Who are you and what have you done with the Mark I know and love.” Jackson’s voice sounded playful enough so he looked up and found his friend smiling at him. 

 

“I don’t know this guy, Jaebeom, brings out the best in me.” He smiled back.

 

He didn’t notice Jinyoung’s eyes narrowing. 

 

“Jaebeom? As in Lim Jaebeom?” 

 

Mark was surprised but nodded. It was a shock to Mark that Jinyoung knew Jaebeom due to their age difference, but it wasn’t impossible.

 

“Oh Jinyoungie you know him?” Jackson questioned, the look Jinyoung had on his face made Jackson’s smile slip off his face. “What’s wrong with the guy?” 

 

Jinyoung sighed and stared at Mark, “I didn’t know the guy personally, he was a senior when I was a freshman, but I did know about him. Everyone at our school knew about him. You should stay away from him hyung.” 

 

Mark could feel his heart start cracking.

 

Jaebeom had said that he had his own story to tell, that when he was a teenager he was so lost and rebellious that his parents had cut him off. Mark didn’t know if he wanted to hear what Jinyoung had to say about him, wanting to hear about Jaebeom’s personal life directly from him. But, Jinyoung went on and Mark couldn’t tell him to stop. 

 

“Jaebeom would always be getting into fights and he almost flunked out. I’m sure he would have been expelled, but his parents were the ones who provided a lot of food for our lunch. The kid came to school high every day and I even saw him rolling something white in the bathrooms once and smoking it.Everyone thought it was coke.” 

 

Jackson looked at Mark, “Mark have you been doing drugs? You do smell like smoke.” 

 

“No, Jackson I haven’t been doing dru─,” Mark tried to say, but Jackson’s rambling cut him off.

 

“─akes so much sense. You’ve been sleeping so much lately, and you’ve been so quiet. Youngjae thought that you had gotten into something bad, but I told him ‘No _our_  Mark would never do that’ god I’m such an idiot.” 

 

“Jackson for godsake I’m not a fucking druggie.”  Jackson’s frown was deep as he listened to Mark, it didn’t look like he believed him. 

 

Mark sighed and then turned to Jinyoung with narrowed eyes, “You don’t know anything about Jaebeom. He’s not like that anymore.” Mark’s voice was raised and even though he wasn’t yelling there was still an edge to it. 

 

“Hyung, I’m just trying to warn you. Jaebeom just seemed like the type of guy who would be a loser all of his life. Everyone at Kyungnam thought so too.” Jinyoung sat on a barstool in Mark’s kitchen as a spoke, Mark thought he looked smug. 

 

Jackson soon added, “Mark, you’ve just met the guy. Jinyoung went to school with him for a whole year.” Jackson looked towards Mark with a concerned face, “Maybe you should stop seeing him. Is he really what you need in your life?” 

 

Mark stood in front of Jackson and Jinyoung resolute, “Jaebeom is exactly what I need in my life.” He glared at Jackson, “He got me to open up and talk, when no one else wanted to listen to what I had to say.” 

 

Jackson’s face scrunched up in anger, “Mark what the fuck is that supposed to mean.” He slammed his fist on the counter top, Mark didn’t flinch. “You’re the one who stopped talking to me, I fucking tried but you would always just shut me out. I bet you two got real close after doing lines of coke together.” All Mark could do was shake his head at Jackson’s words, his voice getting louder and louder, “Is that how little you value our friendship Mark? You stop talking to me and now your gonna spend all your time with some dude you barely know?” 

 

Mark shook his head, “Jackson I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He could feel his body heating up, his stomach felt like it was simultaneously at the very bottom of his abdomen and also stuck in his throat. As Jackson yelled at him all he could see was frustration written all across his best friend’s face. 

 

_ Pathetic, you’re fucking pathetic Mark.  _

 

Mark tried telling Jackson that he was just plain  _ wrong _ but he just went on and on about how Mark was ruining his life, “You can’t spend all day sleeping and then not talk to any of your friends. You’re acting like a waste of space Mark!”

 

Waste of space? Waste of space. Useless? Useless. Hopeless? Hopeless.

 

Mark could feel the familiar tightness around his neck, the yelling reminding him of the tone his attackers used. He tried to take deeper breathes but it wasn’t working he couldn’t breathe he couldn’t breathe he couldn’t breathe. He wanted to claw his fucking eyes out so that he would stop having to see Jackson’s look of absolute frustration. Mark’s vision was blurring, his eyes were wet.

 

_ ─so tight, you take it so good  _

 

Mark ran to the sink and threw up.  He didn’t want to look up at Jackson and Jinyoung. But, he felt a hand rubbing his back. He was sobbing 

 

“I-I’m not doing drugs, Jackson I promise.” He cryed out, “I’m so sorry oh my god I’m so sorry, please don’t hate me, please.” 

 

Someone had turned the sink on, washing his bile down the drain. “I know I’ve been such a shitty friend, but please just give me more time. I need more time please.” He was pleading in between sniffles. 

 

The hand rubbing his back went to his hair, petting it. He heard Jackson’s voice above him, “Mark, please tell me what’s been going on.” 

 

Mark nodded, he was still crying “I will, Jackson, I will.” 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, can't thank you all enough for commenting and leaving kudos. Sorry for any mistakes I may have left while editing!  
> I originally started writing this story as a form of coping with some stuff, and seeing you guys commenting that this work hits close to home or is even a form of comfort is just wow. Thank you all. See you soon.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooooow, im so sorry its been so long. university is tough! but i had time to scrape this together and my break is coming up soon, so more updates!! i am bad at editing my works, so sorry if there are mistakes!!

 

Mark’s head was swimming, as he watched Jackson pace back and forth in front of him he could feel his mind doing flip turn after flip turn every time he heard the hard  _ pat pat pat _ of his friend’s steps. 

 

After Mark had churned up all that was in his stomach, Jackson had lead him to the couch and sat down across from him expectantly.  Mark sunk into the couch, trying to conjure the courage to tell his best friend just why he had been so so distant. 

 

Mark had opened his mouth a couple of times, letting out air and losing the will to speak every time. Jackson was only so patient and began to walk around the room, giving the other time to put together his words. 

 

Jinyoung had left the two to talk, sitting on a bar stool in the their kitchen for god knows how long. Mark wondered if he had left. 

 

“Mark, please. Talk to me.” Jackson stopped in front of him, his brown eyes pleading. 

 

“I’m trying.” Mark replied, smiling weakly. 

 

_ Tell him how you got too drunk at a party he was nice enough to bring you to. Tell him how you were stupid enough to let two upperclassmen lead you to a dark room.  Tell him how his teammates fucked you, how they told you take it, while all you could do was barley slur out “stop.”  _

 

“You’re crying Markie,” Jackson’s voice snapped him back to reality, and as he blinked up at his friend's concerned face, more tears dripped down his face.

 

He didn't want Jackson to see him different, to ever look at him differently.

 

Jackson reached down to wipe away some wetness on the Mark’s cheek, but before the other could reach Mark’s face he jumped away from the hand and Jackson’s snapped his hand back. Mark coughed, trying to distract himself from the hurt expression on Jackson’s face. 

 

The clock ticked, the floor creaked, Mark’s heart pounded away. 

 

“Jackson, please don’t be mad.” Mark said slowly, eyes turning to his friend. The other opened his mouth to speak but Mark cut him off, “I need you to understand that I wanted to tell you, and everyone else sooner, but I couldn’t find the words..” he trailed off. 

 

Mark felt tingly, his hands were burning wrapped around his sides. Jackson nodded and sat down across from him. His face blank.

 

Jackson’s face was always an open book. He wore his expressions proudly and was never afraid to show others his emotions.

 

Mark wished he was like Jackson. More in-tune with his thoughts and feelings. Less afraid of showing others his mentality. 

 

“...do you remember that fencing party we went to when we were freshman? It was the night after your team got the highest overall score for regionals.” 

 

Jackson nodded, confusion creeping onto his features. 

 

“Yeah, I remember. We got totally trashed together after playing flip cup with some girls from the team, right? They kept talking about how cute you were.  Didn’t you end up going outside with them?.” 

 

Mark winced. His hands burned hotter, branding his sides. He hugged himself harder. 

 

“Those girls introduced me to their friends. We all took more shots, and then suddenly it was just me and two guys from your team.” 

 

Mark searched Jackson’s eyes hoping for a sign that he was catching onto where Mark’s story was going, but confusion was still etched onto his face. 

 

“I could hardly walk by myself at that point. I didn’t know where you were, I don’t even think I knew where I was at that point. They kept helping me up, Jackson, telling me that they were taking me to you.” Tears once again clouded Mark’s eyes. A difficult expression was now on Jackson’s face. It made him look silly. 

 

“Wait, but I never saw you again that night. I thought you went back home?” Jackson’s voice was cracking. 

 

Mark felt pricks all over his body.

 

“They raped me.” He whispered, looking down. 

 

“What?” 

 

“Jackson please don’t make me say it again.”

 

“Mark? What?” Jackson sounded dismayed.

 

The clock still ticked, the floor still creaked, but Mark couldn’t hear his heartbeat anymore.  

 

The room felt too silent, the inside of Mark's mind void of sound. He felt a buzz of courage. 

 

“They took me into a room and forced themselves on me.” He said still looking down, but sounding louder to himself. 

 

_ Please don’t hate me, please don’t leave me.  _

 

He finally looked up at his best friend. Jackson’s mouth was open, his eyes searching Mark’s face. His eyes looked wet. 

 

“Why did you wait so long to tell me? Mark, I thought you hated me. We all thought you hated us.” Jackson said, he sounded angry, but he was trembling. 

 

Mark knew he was only upset.

 

_ upset that you never told him, upset that you wasted his time, upset that you're such a slut _

 

Mark felt his limbs twitch. 

 

“At first when I remembered I didn’t know how to say it.” Mark watched tears leak from his best friend’s eyes. He wanted to reach out and take Jackson’s hand, but the other’s fist was clenched so hard his knuckles were turning white. “But the longer I didn’t say anything, the more I got used to keeping it to myself, to the silence.” 

 

Jackson let out a sob. He had always been emotional. He brought his fist down onto the arm rest of the couch he was on. 

 

“Mark I could have helped. I would have gotten them thrown off the team. I would have gotten them expelled! Who the fuck was it.” Mark flinched at the growl Jackson’s voice had taken on. 

 

“Um, I’m not sure on their names.” Mark squirmed in his place. Jackson’s teary glare only making him feel sad. “One had a tattoo sleeve and the other had really bad breath? I can’t really remember…”

 

“Oh my god, oh my god. Mark I know them.” Jackson’s voice had gone a pitch higher, fear laced into his tone. 

 

“Mark they graduated already, but I know them, I know them, they raped you and I know them.” Jackson sounded panicked, Mark looked on in shock. 

 

“I could’ve done something. I left you alone. You were alone for so long fuc-” Jackson grabbed a pillow and threw it at the wall. It passed Mark and the force of it blew a bit of his hair. He blinked at the scene in front of him. 

 

Was Jackson blaming himself? 

 

“-I knew you were sad, so fucking sad and depressed. I fucking knew there was something wrong, sitting in your room all day and sleeping for days. Mark you wouldn’t leave your room for  _ days. _  And I just fucking let you! ” 

 

Mark stood up while Jackson rambled on, standing in front of his best friend he tried getting his attention but Jackson was set on continuing his muddled reasoning. 

 

“-I’m horrible. I’m a horrible friend. Oh my god, I know them. They raped you and I know them. I laughed with them at practice, and they did such a disgusting thing to you. It’s my fault Ma-”

 

Mark threw himself at the other, cutting him off. 

 

“There’s nothing you could have done.” He said, burring himself into Jackson’s shoulder. 

 

Jackson held onto him tight and cried. 

 

_ I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, forgive me?  _

  
  


* * *

  
  


Jackson and Mark walked into the kitchen some time later, after more crying, and many many more apologizes. 

 

Jinyoung still sat on one of their bar stools raised an eyebrow at the two, his eyes locked onto the arm Jackson had wrapped around Mark’s shoulders. 

 

Jackson seemed disoriented from their conversation, still processing them information Mark told him. His face clouded and tight, eyes puffy and mouth in a frown. 

 

Mark was relieved. A weight had been lifted from his shoulders. 

 

He could still hear two voices yelling grueling things at him, but he swallowed them down in favor of patting Jackson’s back. 

 

Jinyoung cleared his throat. Mark looked at him. 

 

He looked put together. His hair perfect, his face clean. He looked cozy in a sweater that had once belonged to Jackson. Mark thought he looked rather at home in their kitchen. 

 

“Hyung, I plugged your phone in to charge. It keeps buzzing.” 

 

“Ah, thank you Jinyoung.” He nodded at the younger and crossed the room to look at his phone. Jackson followed, arms at his side, head still down. 

 

As the two made their way to the kitchen, Mark grabbed his phone and Jackson leaned on Jinyoung’s shoulder sniffling. 

 

Mark unlocked his phone to see a multitude of messaged from Jaebeom.

 

_ This painting is such a bitch  _

 

_ Did you get home safe?  _

 

_ You’re probably sleeping, I know my bed is uncomfortable  _

 

_ I’m never doing a commission for another bank, this is so boring to work on _

 

_ Is it bad that I miss you?  _

 

_ Jesus Christ, you have such a pretty face _

 

_ How can I work on this painting a brick house in a damn snow storm if all I can think about is you makin me eggs this morning _

 

Mark smiled, his face heating up from Jaebeom’s messages. He missed the older too. 

 

_ Sorry, just had a loooong talk with my roommate.  _

 

His phone buzzed immediate with a reply. 

 

_ Ah glad i could get the ball rolling for you sweetcheeks _

 

_ Come over, I wanna use the red in your hair as a model for the brick I have to paint ;) _

 

Mark locked his phone, wondering if it was too soon to see Jaebeom again. Looking at the couple in front of him, with Jackson’s face buried in Jinyoung’s shoulder, and the other almost cooing in order to coax his best friend to talk to him, Mark made up his mind. 

 

“I’m going to help Jaebeom out with something. I’ll be back later.” He said as he walked to the door, 

 

Jackson kept his head down, Jinyoung snapped his head in Mark’s direction.

 

“Hyung, is that really for the best?” The younger looked concerned, but it only annoyed Mark. 

 

“Jaebeom’s changed. He isn’t the person you remember. I’ll be safe.” He said with a small smile and slinging a jacket over his shoulders. 

 

As he walked out of his room, he heard Jackson sob again and Jinyoung panicked voice asking what was wrong. 

 

_ You did that, you made him upset. _

 

* * *

 

 

Thoughts about Jackson carried him most of the way to Jaebeom's apartment. 

 

With every step he took all he heard was his best friend's cries and how he rambled on and on about how what happened to Mark was  _his fault._

 

Mark wanted nothing more than to slap Jackson across the face and tell him how utterly crazy he sounded!

 

This was Mark's fault and Mark's fault alone. He should have told someone sooner! He had gotten so accustomed to the loneliness of his secret that he sealed himself away from his own friends.  Mark was so messed up that he told his past to Jaebeom first,  _a stranger,_ rather than the friends he's had for years. 

 

As Mark walked up the stairs to Jaebeom's place he thought about how the older completely alleviated and unnerved him at the same time.  Being with the older made him feel something he hadn't felt in awhile...he felt like himself. 

 

Mark knocked on Jaebeom's door, his heart pounding with the decision he had come to the seconds before reaching the older's welcome mat. 

 

The door opened with a  _wush_ and Jaebeom stood in front of him, his hands and arms splattered with paint and his hair in a pulled back in a headband. The older smiling him, his pupils disappearing into the crescents of his eyes and his teeth blinding Mark. 

 

Mark felt like nothing compared to him, but the way Jaebeom looked at him made him feel like everything.

 

"Jaebeom hyung, I'm about to do something." Mark locked eyes with the other, his smiling slowly disappearing as Mark spoke, "Please don't stop me." 

 

As soon as the words were out of Mark's mouth he pushed his way into Jaebeom's home and lead the elder to his small, leather love seat. The door slammed behind them, Mark heard a cat let out a whine. 

 

Mark pushed Jaebeom down onto his couch and straddled him, cupping his cheeks with his own hands. Jaebeom's eyes were like stars, they held all the words Jaebeom wanted to speak. His expression was intense, it made Mark shiver. 

 

He smashed their lips together, his hands sneaking into the other's hair.  Jaebeom kissed him back hungrily, placing his hands on Mark's hips and gripping. As the kiss deepened he sunk his hands lower, feeling the curve of Mark's ass. The younger moaned and Jaebeom clutched tighter. Mark began to roll his hips, elicit a groan from the other. 

 

Mark was pushed away, his breathe came out heavy. Jaebeom looked up at him with dilated pupils and puffy lips. 

 

"Are you sure sweetcheeks?" 

 

Mark felt too hot, too good. Seeing Jaebeom so unhinged because of  _him_ made him so so sure of himself. 

 

He nodded and rolled his hips again, emphasizing his point against Jaebeom's hardness with each thrust, "Please, hyung, need this, need you." 

 

Mark threw his head back and Jaebeom went to kiss his neck, sucking and biting. 

 

As the two grinded together, Mark didn't feel overwhelmed but only frantically affected by the way Jaebeom moved against him and kissed him. 

 

"So beautiful Mark, so pretty for me." 

 

They went faster, moving together. It was too hot and just on the edge of too much. 

 

"Hyung faster faster," Mark pleaded and Jaebeom delivered as he ground against the younger more and more, "please please please." he repeated over and over until Jaebeom whispered  _baby, come for me_ so softly that Mark almost thought he imagined it.  White shot through his body and he felt himself let go with a whine. As he lost himself in pleasure, he felt Jaebeom  _grind grind grind_ and let out a moan of his own. The older then went limp against the couch. Mark collapsed onto him. 

 

Jaebeom patted Mark's head, running his hand through his red red hair. 

 

"You were supposed to help me paint sweetcheeks, not distract me more." He chuckled. 

 

"Sorry, I can take what we just did back." Mark giggled 

 

"Don't you dare." 

 

Jaebeom lifted Mark's shoulders so that they were eye to eye. He kissed Mark's right cheek, then his left cheek, then his forehead, then his chin.  Mark could feel himself melting. 

 

"You're so perfect baby, but if I don't get out of these pants pronto I may go nuts." Jaebeom said in between kissing Mark's eyelids and nose.

 

"Same." Mark spoke with a smile, eyes closed as Jaebeom pressed light kisses all over his face, "Wanna let me borrow more of your clothes?"

 

"I'll give ya my whole closet. How about that?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for reading, sorry it was so short lol. this is not the end! we still have some crazy stuff to get through with this story. you'll see me soon <3

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna try my best to update soon. This idea of a sad Mark with badboy JB has been in my head for soooo long. Hope you guys enjoyed!


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